cow

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Because I cannot say this to the Facebook and I have no one to talk to, I will shout it into the internet abyss.

I am having a fucking terrible day.

It started yesterday (we'll count that in the 24 hours) when one of the few people who said they could (maybe) come to my kids' birthday party said "nope, we can't". Mind this is someone who's kid is my son's "best friend" which is saying a lot- more on that in a sec.

Then my hubby and I got into a fight, that left me tired, but we made up. Still, no fun, horrible night.

Then today, another friend Joe asked for is unable to come.

That leaves, lemme see... possibly a child my son has never met. Possibly two children they played with ONCE. Definitely a little girl that is too young to play with.

I don't know. Maybe they don't really care about birthdays here in Idaho, or maybe I am a pariah. I tend to guess the latter.

It starts last summer (though because of last summer I have realized it started before that). We're camping. Someone I respect, and I considered a friend started yelling at me in front of everyone. I cried and left the group, wandering down the campground alone. One person followed me (NOT MY HUSBAND) and tried to comfort me, talk me down. In that moment I knew, these are not really my friends. Maybe the one person who followed me is, but I am someone they tolerate, not a friend.

In the five years of my son's life he has been invited to two birthday parties.

My daughter, to one.

The ONLY logical explanation I have for this is that either (a) kids don't have birthday parties here or (b) no one wants to/thinks to invite them.

The person who followed me during the incident last summer, I talked to her on another camping trip, telling her how I wish I had closer friends. She basically told me that I am not really her friend. She said that her good friends she's met elsewhere, and that is about it.

I feel... I feel like I've tried hard. I feel like giving up, and I feel like even if I don't... I feel like all of this is harming my children, that people don't want to be around me. My kids don't have any friends! How horrible is that? And I feel like it's my fault because I don't have good relationships with other people, in spite of desperately wanting them.

I don't have brothers and sisters, I don't have family that has kids nearby. I have two stir crazy kids who try like crazy to befriend random kids they run into because they want attention of kids their age, and tell me- how will that work out for my son in school? Desperately trying to make friends and being foolish in the attempt?

I'm fucking up my kids, and I have no idea how to do things differently. It's the same old-same old- I wouldn't want to be my friend either, so I hardly blame people who dismiss me, and for those who stick around (like two) I have a great deal of respect for putting up with me.

I just hope my kids have a chance to make friends with their young daughter, because as it stands, she's the only one they get to hang out with on a semi-regular basis. Or make friends in school. Just don't introduce the friends' family to me, because I am apparently RAID for friendships.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained
cow

(no subject)

 I stopped taking the pill in order to see if it would help me feel better overall. 

Not foreseen:  anxiety every month over whether or not my husband's overachieving little swimmers managed to get around all the obstacles. 

Supposed to have period by now, by best reckoning, and have not. Have had nausea. HOWEVER, I've also had nausea in the past before my period. Like last month and the month before. I don't want to be all "OMG WHAT IF..." every month, but I also do feel better actually experiencing my cycle, and the changes in mood and all, rather than just flat all the time. 

Conundrum. 

If I do take a test and it comes back positive, I do not think I will be happy about it. Resigned, but not happy. Each child has caused 40 extra pounds... going from 170-250 in the time I've been bearing children, totally unable to lose it- not even a pound. I do not want to be 290, because it hurts my joints enough here at 250.   Off to shower, then go to the store on the way to the gym. I'll take the damn test at the gym, so I don't keep worrying. *crossing my fingers for negative*
cow

Beauty

 
It seemed that I knew all myself,
that I knew what I am and what I can be

I once was beautiful. Once was...
Was... Not three decades old yet and it is lost.

Even with attempts to bring attention to another's beauty
Guilt or propriety is not enough to reciprocate
It would be a lie. 

Those I love most can't even pretend that I am
and this is the truest indicator that I can think of
that means it really is all gone. 

I can come to accept my appearance, my weight, my pants size...
But can I come to accept that I am no longer beautiful?

"But you still have a pretty face."

If only I had truly accepted that I was beautiful, when I really was.
cow

stolen from luna > otherbella > ??

copy and paste the whole thing into a comment and answer.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What eye colour do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
Games, Humor, Movies

(no subject)

 I think I have figured out that I must be too irritating and pathetic to have any close friends other than my husband. Lord only knows how he manages to put up with me. 
I guess it's just a bit of a pity party, but whilst I was in the hospital there were two (non family) who expressed interest in my wellbeing. A gal from church who is just like that, and my husband's best friend's wife. I have a hard time calling her my close friend or anything because we have maybe done stuff alone together... lets see... ONCE. And that was a church thing. So... I just feel so frustrated. I dont have anyone I feel I can really trust myself to, or that I feel cares about sharing their one-on-one time with me. My hubby isn't exactly a 'talker' and generally looks utterly scared if I go sharing feelings that don't directly relate to him.  About a year ago I decided to really try to put myself out there and make friends. To try to get involved and spend time doing ladies stuff, but I never seemed to really click with any of the ladies. I spent some time with one gal, but she and I were soooo different. I had a very hard time relating to her. There's one gal I think I could really get along with but she lives all the way across town and we never seem to have time that coincides. 
I think at this point I'm just going to give up and accept that i'm a loner loser who will not have any kind of a deep social life.
cow

(no subject)

So I've been meaning to do this for a long time, and never did it. >_< .
Juliet Adelaide's birth story:

Juliet Adelaide Slatosky
Born 7-7-08 at 12:30pm
21 inches long
8lbs 15oz
Collapse )Warning: picture heavy
cow

(no subject)

Juliet continues to do well. She now has a feeding tube (as of an hour ago) and has been taken off of nitrogycerine and dopamine. She's also been taken off of the paralytic and is only a little sedated. She expressed her extreme displeasure with getting her feeding tube inserted, even though they'd given her quite a bit of morphine to make sure it wasn't painful. She attempts to open her eyes when I come close, but the swelling around her eyes makes it difficult and she gives up after a few tries. She gripped my finger pretty hard when I was comforting her while they were putting in the tube.

Right now she is sleeping, and that is what she does most of the time. Her chest is still closed, as her swelling has not been too bad at all. I got to see an x-ray they took to see the positioning of the tube. It's crazy to see all those different leads they have going into her body. We could see the drainage tubes and pacing wires, other wires that take readings...

I'm working on an origami electra for her pod. It's a geometric sphere and I'll be coloring each module by hand. It will be a nice little stimulating thing for her to look at when we are not here.

Again, thank you for all the words of support and all the prayers. God is watching over her and we have a great deal of hope from how well she's doing.